The Late Hours

It’s always in the late hours of the night that my mind can’t be still. It’s when I think, dream, re-hash, plan and wonder. Maybe it’s the stillness of the house as my daughter sleeps – but I always pay for it in the morning when the alarm goes off.

This time of year is one to think of new beginnings. Even if I tried not to, I’d hardly be able to resist it. Things just seem to begin in January.

Tonight I sit here and try to look at the year ahead. I don’t know what it could bring, but I know how I want to live it. I want to live with determination and fearlessness. I know it won’t ever completely happen, me being fearless, but it’s something I can aspire to be. I want to look at the future with excitement. I want to dream big dreams and see them come true.

I refuse to look at the year that has been put to rest. There is no need to dwell on what I did not accomplish or the things or people that I lost. That is gone. I’ve made my peace with it all. This is not the time to look behind, but forward, and I want to look ahead with anticipation.

I have plans for myself this year. I have goals and I have dreams. I want to break my own boundaries in my writing. I want to push myself to create meaningful work, the kind that hurts to produce, but is honest and real. I want to work more on my freelance career and develop a plan to get me to where I want to be. No more dreaming about it, thinking about it, but not taking action. I want to take better care of myself and I want to laugh more, be more spontaneous and more open to change.

I want to live in control of my ADHD and Anxiety. No, I don’t mean that I intend to control my symptoms at all times, I don’t think that’s possible, but I want to be in a place of acceptance of myself, a place where I control how they make me feel. I am not my ADHD. I am not my Anxiety. Most of all, I wish I could lose the embarrassment I feel over my symptoms. I’m getting there. I’m closer than I’ve ever been. Most days I accept the good, the bad and the ugly. I accept the tears and I accept the blunders that leave me laughing hysterically. I accept my chaos and I’m okay with it.

What I would like to accomplish is a better handle of the simple things. The things that my ADHD wreaks havoc with – organization, tidiness, phone calls – those sorts of things. That is what I want to work on in the year ahead. Coming to grips with my shortcomings and not being ashamed of them, but embracing them in order to find solutions.

Looking at the year ahead, I can’t help but be excited. A and I have lots of adventures still ahead of us. We have lots to look forward to. She will start high school during 2016. That’s definitely one big change we will be seeing this year. I’m not so excited about that one. I can’t hold onto her forever, but it sure seems she is growing up way too fast. I will savor this year. I will strive to be more present – to enjoy more and worry less.

So bring on the year ahead, I have things to do and ADHD to tame.

6 thoughts on “The Late Hours

  1. I’m learning how to live with what I perceive as flaws–anxiety and depression. I haven’t been officially diagnosed, but I would bet I have ADD. I’m not the hyperactive sort, but I see shiny things everywhere to distract me. 🙂 Best wishes for a new New Year!

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