Have you ever noticed, (or is it just me?), that late at night, when we are supposed to be winding down to go to sleep, when all those invasive thoughts are crowding our brains, that THAT is when you always make big plans for the following day? You know, you are absolutely certain that tomorrow you are going to wake up and suddenly all your ADD madness is going to make sense? You are going to be full of motivation and focus?? You are thinking to yourself that it is so easy, really. There is no reason why you can’t be in control…
The house is a mess. Things are chaotic. Life is busy. You’re chasing your tail nothing seems to be getting done. You take some time (okay, a lot of time because you kind of forget that you had other things to do…) and you read articles on time management and organization tips for ADD’ers like yourself. You feel motivated. You feel empowered. Things are going to CHANGE. (You say this firmly to yourself while shaking your fist at the heavens because this time you really, really mean it!) You are going to keep to your chore schedule. You are going to keep track of your to-do list, your appointments, your schedule, your paper piles and everything else you have lost track of. You are going to make an effort to actually use all the great ideas you’ve found to help yourself.
You sit down and make up a schedule for the next few days. You decide what days certain things get cleaned. You decide what you are cooking for dinner. You write it all out. Not only that you need to “clean the living room” but exactly what steps you have to take in order to accomplish that task. It’s all broken down in pretty blue ink on looseleaf paper. You feel proud of yourself for making a plan for the week. A plan that THIS TIME you are going to stick to. Yep. You certainly are. You turn out the lights and you think about how tomorrow is going to be better. You imagine yourself, list in one hand, timer in the other, smiling as you finish each task before the timer goes off. You will head off to your job knowing that you knocked a couple things off that to do list before work, even. Youwill smile while you are at work because you know that when you get home, dinner is planned and just needs to be cooked. You are going to exercise while it’s in the oven. Because this is a new day. This is a new you. This is an ORGANIZED you. This is an ENERGETIC you. This is a you who is in charge.This is a you that gets shit done. You LIKE this version of you. She is on top of things.
So you lay awake thinking of how wonderfully productive you are going to be in your future. A future that starts in the morning. (or well, later in the morning because it’s already way past midnight.) Your brain is whirring away thinking of all the madness and mayhem that you’ve caused, and how that is coming to an end. You blissfully imagine a changed way of life. You tell yourself that it is okay that the house is a mess, and that you aren’t going to try to clean it all at once. You are going to take it day by day, chore by chore and once it’s actually all clean and sparkly, you are going to continue with your chore routine to ensure that it never gets out of control again. It’s a nice thought. You are going to make time for taking care of yourself. Exercise. Healthy meals. Meditation. Yoga. There will be no more sugar or processed foods that wreak havoc with your ADD. It’s going to be AWESOME!!!
Ever have those days? Those days where you are sure that this is the turning point? I had one of those today. It isn’t the first. Not by a long shot. What I usually find is that in the harsh glare of morning, which, by the way, comes way too early because I’ve not even been asleep that long, things are different. They are dull where just a few hours ago they were shiny. I’m tired. I want to sleep just a little longer, not get up and tackle a job on the to do list before work. I forget about being healthy and skip breakfast and then trudge off to work. I get home, and instead of preparing that dinner I planned, I now have a headache and I’m grouchy. Tuna sandwich anyone? (Or worse, fast food!!) Exercise? Who wants to exercise when they’re grouchy and their head is pounding? Clean the living room? It’s already six! Who wants to clean at NIGHT??
This seems to be the story of my existence. At night, when I am in bed with the thoughts loud in my head, I can envision a better tomorrow. I can see myself, stronger, better, happier. I can touch it. I can taste it. Then in the light of day it all disappears like a wisp of smoke. Why?? Am I really just that lazy? Am I really just destined to never have it all together?
I refuse to accept that. I refuse to believe that it is all a pipe dream. So tonight as I sit here with thoughts of that organized, beautiful tomorrow, I am going to hold that idea in my head. I am going to insist on getting up, even when I don’t feel like it. I am going to go down that list tomorrow, exactly as I planned it, come hell or high water. I’m not going to feel like exercising, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m not going to feel like tackling the paper clutter for the ten minutes I designated to that task, but I’m going to do it anyway. Why? Because I am in control of my tomorrows, not my ADD. I am the one that says what I will and will not do. I choose to be productive. I choose to work on me.
It all sounds very promising at the moment. It’s 1:15 a.m. and I’m telling myself what a great day tomorrow is going to be. (er…today) I can do this. What about you??