This is….Grrr…I mean….what?…Crap…

Anyone with ADHD and Anxiety Disorder knows that most days you feel like you need to crawl out of your own skin. Know that feeling? The one we constantly have while we are trying to appear calm and collected to the rest of the world? Yeah, that one. The one where our insides are frazzled, our nerves our shot, we feel like a nervous wreck, everything and everyone is just too damn loud and too, well…just too EVERYTHING. We feel all of this, while desperately trying to keep that facade up so that no one knows. We do this for many reasons, but the main one? Because unless you have ADHD, or Anxiety Disorder, or some other mental disorder, we know that you won’t understand. We also know that many don’t even want to understand. The world is full of myths and misconceptions that keep us quiet. Plus, we don’t want to appear whiny. We don’t want anyone to think badly of us. We need to feel like we fit in even when we know we never will.

Does that make sense? Nah, I didn’t think it did. Maybe only to me. But there it is. Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days where I feel stressed out to the hilt. I am frayed, jangled, hypersensitive, on the verge of tears, tied in knots and the sound of my own breathing is getting on my nerves. I have a couple reasons to actually BE stressed, but I try not to dwell on it. It’s something I can’t help anyway. No amount of worry is going to fix it, but sometimes it still gets the best of me. I just can’t help it. But the rest…the rest is just…well, it’s just ME. Whether I like it or not.

It’s funny, because I know when my mood is entirely due to the ADHD because it picks the weirdest times to hit. Right now I should be happy.  Heck, I’ve just released my novel, things are good. It’s an exciting time. Maybe that’s the problem. Is it let down? Is it after eleven months spent on this novel that it isn’t mine anymore? It’s gone. Yes, there did happen to be a few minor things that I had to fix, and there may still be a few that show up in the next couple days, but for the most part, the book is finished and released. Maybe I feel bad because it launched a little prematurely and that there WERE a few mistakes that slipped by. It makes me feel sloppy and unprofessional. I do not, under any circumstances, want to be one of those writers who produce sub-par work. My writing may not be the best in the universe, but I at least want it to appear professional when it is released. Maybe part of my mood has been in the beating myself up for my ADHD getting the best of me and the work went out before it was really supposed to. It was almost ready….just not quite. I tell myself it really does not matter. It’s not like I had hundreds of fans breathlessly waiting the release of this book who are now looking at it going, “oh. my. gosh. Did you see this hack job?” Who’s really going to see the copy with the mistakes? A sister or two? They know I mess up. 😉 The point is, I messed up. The book was released before it was quite ready. It’s fixable, sure. Just a giant facepalm for me. As usual. Then I worry that someone might get one before the updates take place and they get one with mistakes in it. And of course there is the anxiety that comes with the knowledge that wow…people might really read this book. Are they going to like it? Will they hate it? Is it awful? Is it boring? WHAT ARE PEOPLE GONNA THINK??? Yeah, that too. I calmly tell myself that if I like the work, that is all that matters. If one person likes the work then it is far more than I could hope for. I tell myself I write for me, not for anyone else. Yeah right. The day we buy into that is the day we will quit writing altogether.

So — back to the jingly, jangly, frayed nerves of it all. I hate these days. I picked A up from school, made an early dinner and then explained to her that I needed quiet time and some music because I was about to scream. And cry. And maybe lay on the floor and kick. She smiled, shrugged and said, “Gotta love Anxiety Disorder. I get it.” And I know she does. I went to my room, closed the door, grabbed the headphones and have been listening to music that usually makes me feel better. Kinda working. Not really. Still wanna cry. I got an unexpected phone call from a friend that made me feel good. I think the universe kinda knew I needed to hear a friendly voice. No, he had no idea the state I was in, and I didn’t tell him. We only talked a couple minutes, but it helped. It helped me to remember that there are people that care about me in this world. Somebody that picked up the phone and called me. Just because. That’s pretty cool, really.

I know I’m being irrational. No one has to tell me that. Of course, anyone that has ADHD knows that we are allowed to be irrational, and that no one telling us anything is going to make a bit of difference. We are what we are, when we are. It doesn’t mean I like it.

I think I actually meant to write about something else when I started this. My mind wanders. Maybe I’m just having a meltdown because of the way my house looks. I cannot understand it for the life of me. I spend two or three days getting a room straightened, cleaned top to bottom, and it’s perfect. I swear to myself that I’m going to keep it that way. Then two weeks later it looks like the house threw up on itself again. WTH? Why can I not keep anything straight? Why can’t I live in one of those houses you see in the magazines? Why am I so messy? I hate it. It’s the thing I hate most about myself. My inability to keep things organized and neat. And no, I’m not talking about a little clutter. I’m talking about if someone were to knock on the door you’d have to hit the deck below the level of the windows and not breathe lest they find out you were there. Let’s see..today is Wednesday. I actually did invite someone over for Sunday. That means I have to clean up. It seems that is the only time I can actually get myself moving. When I have to. Or face the consequences.

Sorry to be so erratic and whiny?  I certainly don’t want to be a whiner. Nope. Not me. I don’t have time for that. what I need, is to desperately have it all together. No matter what. ‘Cause at the end of the day, there isn’t anyone else to pick up my slack. No one to lean on, no one that’s going to take care of what I forgot, or what I couldn’t handle. I have to handle it all. Seriously, I gotta get a grip. So — now you know. Now you know that sometimes my rope is seriously frayed. The other day I had a complete meltdown in the car. A pull over on the side of the road while I bawled meltdown because my daughter told me something her stepmother said about her. A situation I cannot fix. But it hurts so much when I can’t protect her. It hurts when people belittle and bully your child. My poor kid, just looks at me, then starts petting my arm and says, “It’s okay, mom. I’m coping.” I told her she shouldn’t have to. She just said, “I know, but I don’t believe the bad things she says about me. Not anymore anyway. It doesn’t hurt me, not really.” And I just cried more because I knew she was lying to try to make me feel better. I felt like an idiot falling apart like that. Especially in front of A. Especially about that situation. I have to be the strong one for her to lean on when they get the best of her. I can’t let them get to me too.  Adults who belittle children should be…no, I’m not going to say it.

This time of year is a little hard too. End of year and I’ve stretched finances as far as I can stretch them. I still haven’t totally recuperated from vacation. Doesn’t help that my ex husband hasn’t paid his share of my daughter’s medicines in months. That’s money I really need. I’ve had to cancel a couple of her counseling appointments because I didn’t have the money to pay for the sessions. She needs the counseling. I get angry at myself for failing.  Then something weird happens at the bank and one of my hefty bills gets paid twice and some didn’t get paid at all. Really? I do not need this right now! And the one that got paid twice..well…I really needed THAT money to pay for the ones that didn’t get paid!! ugh. And yes, I know…then I have guilt over the vacation because I should have used the money more wisely. Well, that’s BS. When I planned the vacation, I didn’t plan on my ex to suddenly stop paying his share of my daughter’s medical bills. (why am I surprised? it isn’t the first time.) And I got a good deal on the vacation. And I needed it. Really Really needed it.  I still feel like I should be more frugal. I don’t have expensive things. I don’t have cable, or expensive phones or “stuff.” I just feel like I PROBABLY don’t manage money as well as I should. There just always seems to be something though. Doctor’s appointments for A. Counseling. Medications. Crap. I’m whining now. Really really whining. Sorry.

Not a good idea to write a blog post when I’m feeling this way. Obviously.

I started to delete this and walk away, but you know what? I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to do that because I am human and I am vulnerable and that’s okay. I usually try to tell myself otherwise. It’s okay for others to have off days. It’s okay for others to be vulnerable or need to vent, but not me. I’m not going to do that this time. I’m going to get it out and leave it. It doesn’t mean I’m not capable. It doesn’t mean I’m not strong. It doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. It makes me human. It makes me a real person with real issues and a real disorder. Things will get better. They always do. I have many blessings and I am smart enough to realize that.

Tomorrow is a new day, right?

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